There is no rewind button. No fast forward button either.
I’m not sure which is worse.
Is this present disguised as a blessing
Or a curse?
Time stands still for no man, neither can I
My heart aches, yet I must press on.
Onward ever onward.
I may never know what could, what might have been.
Only that it isn’t
And now it can’t be.
Over and over again,
These thoughts wear deeper ruts into the already well-worn tracks of my mind.
I could not
Save you, m’dear.
But myself, there is still time to save.
I must cut the rope, m’dear,
And ‘Iron Will’ myself away.
For if I stayed tied to you
Then we both shall sink and drown.
The icy lake’s fate is not for me.
My journey continues further on.
Though I’m weary, my traveling is far from over.
In my heart you remain, m’dear.
But I cannot take you with me.
For it’s here we must part ways.
Good bye my dear friend,
I shall miss you ever after.
But it’s the end of an era, I’m afraid.
Such an incredibly long, strange day. Ending in an eyepatch fashion statement (stabbed myself in the eye & am temporarily a pirate), the dissolution of a lesbian romance (the only lezzie couple I know/am friends with… So much for friend diversity & girls’ night out, ha!), the arrest of an old flame (for statutory rape), and tomorrow is the beginning of another six-day work week… Oy vay!
Sometimes things have a funny way of working out. If I look back at my life a year ago, would I have ever expected things to play out the way they did? No. Am I a better person because of it? I’d like to think so. For much too long I’ve been focused on being happy. Happiness is what I was programmed to believe the ultimate goal… How one should measure success… In happiness. But maybe there is more to life to being happy. Maybe it’s just a series of events in which you find yourself content. Able to experience happiness, able to find sadness, real pain, real light… Real life. It’s not a fairy tale. It is what it is. I used to hate that statement. I thought it was futile and asinine. However, the older I get the more I’ve come to not only understand it but embrace it! “It is was it is.” That’s not depressing; it’s empowering! Learning that life’s events are beyond one’s control and the only thing someone can control is his or her reaction to any given situation. And the end result is contentment.
PS. Alternate Title: “Ramblings of a 25yr old Trying to be Wise”
Just know I love you. And that’s all you need to know.
I’m on the road to finding myself. It seems I got lost along the way. I was far from blameless. At times I was difficult and unkind. I let the things that really matter slip right through my fingers along with little pieces of me. I forgot who I was. All the things that once made me great got chipped away as I struggled to hold on. I lost myself. But slowly, little by little, I’m finding myself again. Little pieces at a time… Little insignificant nuisances I’d long forgot I had…
Like, for instance, I LOVE Princess Peach. Mario is my all time favorite game, and I think Peach is the most adorable video game character ever created. If I’m feeling sick or just plain awful, my cure me meal is a grilled cheese with pickles (sliced diagonally in half, of course) and a ginger ale. As disgusting as that sounds, it works every time:) I’ve always secretly liked anime, ever since I was a little girl watching Sailor Moon. Not really the shows themselves, but I’m fascinated with drawing style. I love to draw and doodle. And one day I will pen my own graphic novel, the artwork of which will inevitably have a Japanese flare.
Just a few of the little things that make me, me. I love the girl I used to be. And I’m beginning to see her face again when I look into the mirror.
The key is to accept that I cannot go back. I cannot change what was done, the choices I made, or the words I said. I can only forgive myself and move forward.
Everything will be okay. It will all unfold the way it’s meant to… And what will be, will be. Take a deep breath. Stop worrying. And live in the moment.